Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house,
Were empties and butts left round by some louse.
The best quart I hid in the chimney with care,
Had been swiped by some bum who found it in there.

My guests had long since been poured in their beds,
To wake in the morning with God-awful heads.
My gal too, was out in the cold, chin in her lap,
And me, I was dying for one more nightcap.

When out on the lawn there came such a smell,
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell.
Away to the window I tore like a flash,
Fell over the table - it broke with a CRASH.

The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow,
Made me think of the coal bill and all that I owe.
And what to my bloodshot eyes did appear,
But a Budweiser truck and eight bloated reindeer.

With a little old driver who looked like a hick,
I saw it was Santa, as tight as a lick.
Like General Patton's tanks, those reindeer they came.
And he hiccoughed and belched and called them by name.

"On Schenley, On Seagram, we ain't got all night;
You too Haig and Haig, and you Black and White.
Scratch up on the roof ... get the hell off the wall,
Get going, you asses, we got a long haul."

So up on the roof came the reindeer and truck,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could duck.
And then in a twinkle I heard from above,
A hell of a noise that was no cooinĠ dove.

I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he came right smack on his rear.
He was all dressed in furs with cuffs on his pants,
And the way that guy squirmed I guess he had ants.

His droll little mouth made him look a bit wacky,
And the beard on his chin was all stained with tobaccy.
He had pints and quarts in the pack on his back,
And a breath that would blow a train off the track.

He was chub and plump and tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me - he was high as a kite.
And he spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
Missed half the stockings, the plastered old jerk.

And putting a finger to the end of his nose,
He gave out a burp and up the chimney he rose,
He sprang for the truck and slid on his face,
But finally he managed to slip into place.

And I heard him burp ere he passed out of sight,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU RUMBUMS, NOW REALLY GET TIGHT!"